Tag: Faith

Faith, Family, Forgiveness, God, jesus, Kids, Redemption, Sinner, Uncategorized

One of Those Days…

Amanda Robinson

You know the ones. Everyone and everything is trying the Jesus in you. I’m there today, friend. One of the kids bombed the first unit math test. So, as a homeschooling mom, I’m feeling the weight of fear of failure as a teacher. My patience was thin, like a big old bubblegum bubble that’s stretched to massive proportions. It bursts. It gets everywhere! In your hair, alllll over your face…well you get the picture. It’s a big old mess.

The entire house is a wreck. The laundry pile is not massive, but the clean clothes are piled as high as my 4 year old. I thought I’d lost him in it for a bit, but we’re good now. As much as I’d love to be neat and tidy, I’m not. I mean I am, or was before living with 4 other folks. However, I am actively trying to become more diligent in that area, but it is still a struggle.

Maybe you’re there, too. Maybe you have tried your dead level best to be organized and it just gets destroyed minutes later. Maybe your to the point of packing it in and giving up because the frustration and anger are threatening to erupt like a volcano. Or maybe you don’t understand these thoughts at all. Praise the Lord for that! I’m pretty sure, however, that we all know someone that has been in this season.

I’ll be honest, I was starting to lose it. Not using kind tones when responding to innocent questions. Hyper-critical over every little thing not done exactly how I wanted it. I went to the bathroom and thought that’s it, I’m done! Have you ever seen Mom’s Night Out? It’s great. I highly recommend it. Anyway, the scene where the mom is hiding in her closet, eating chocolate, babbling about the new baby birds hatching…that speaks to my soul today.

My mind was swirling with all the grievances I had against my family and myself. The anger began to build more and more, and then…

I heard a still small voice in my heart saying, “Amanda, you have a choice. One is foolish and leads to sin, the other is wise and leads to Me.” “God, I am so angry! Nothing ever changes,” I said through sobs. “That’s not true. What is true?”, the Lord probed. “Well, it’s true that our family has been more joyful these last few months, and I’ve had less physical pain since You provided the opportunity to swim every day. But I’m still so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start!” I cried out. The Holy Spirit convicted me, “You’ve talked to the kids about Peter’s lack of focus on Me. Have you focused on me today? Or have your eyes been looking to the left and right?” I hung my head and sighed knowing that God already knew the answer and so did I. “My eyes have been on my circumstances and not You, Lord.” God lovingly reminded me that I had a choice. “Which will you choose, Amanda? To give in to despair, crawl into the fetal position and wallow in self-pity, or will you seek Me in this moment?”

Let me pause there for a moment. Friend, the Lord is holy and righteous. He will point out your sin. Its ugly. It does not feel good to see ourselves in light of that sin. To be honest, its more like a punch in the gut. But you know what? No matter what God doesn’t force you to do anything. Its all your choice. The Christian life is not one without trials or heartaches. It is one of sacrifice of self, submitting our stubborn willful sin nature to the cross on which Jesus died for all mankind. But, ya’ll, it is so worth it.

I chose the later today. You might be thinking, “Oh, Amanda, its so easy for you! You’re smiling all the time!” Friend, I’ve chosen the former path and it led to some of the darkest times in my life.

Don’t choose your own way. Choose Jesus. It really is simple. As I blasted the Christian station on Pandora and read the Bible. God gave me a direction – fold the laundry. I’m sure you’ve heard before to fold the laundry and it will help give you a heart of gratefulness. It’s true, it can help. However, if we skip that first step of going to God first, then we are missing out of the power of God’s Word. His Word is what illuminates the deep seeded sin in our hearts. For me, it was selfishness, pride, anger, and perfectionism. Also, I’ll not for the ones who do not struggle with this, but for many (like myself) just going directly to the task only feeds that bitterness and anger. Why? Because the first and most important step has been left out – seeking Jesus.

When, not if, you have “one of those days”, let me encourage you to do the following:

  1. Retreat to a quiet place and cry out to God. Seek His wisdom over the situation.
  2. Read the Bible. Read passages that speak to the situation. (If you don’t have a concordance in your Bible, then go to http://www.biblestudytools.com & search for verses on [insert issue]. You’re simply looking for verse recommendations, not commentaries.) Stay in that moment with God for however long you need to, friend.
  3. Ask God to show you the sin hidden in your heart. For me it was recognizing that I hadn’t been patient, kind or gentle with my family. That was a direct result of focusing on the circumstances instead of my Savior. Maybe, like me, your reaction to the issues weren’t God-honoring. Maybe you were parenting from the world’s perspective, rather than God’s. Maybe your single or married without kids and you’ve been taking things out on your friends or spouse. We all face stress and deal with sin no matter what life stage we are in.
  4. Seek forgiveness. From God and any that you have wronged…yes, that includes your children and/or spouse if you have sinned against them.
  5. Turn on some Christian praise music & fold that laundry. At this point, your heart should feel the freedom of forgiveness and your eyes focused on the blessings of the task. If not, go back to the beginning. Go back to God & His word. Stay there all day if you need to. We must stay humbled at His feet in order to see more clearly the sin we struggle with and how to combat it. It might not be easy or pretty, but it’s worth it.

Friend, have a plan of action because those days will come. When they come, let the first thing we do be go to Jesus.

“Rejoice always! Pray constantly. Give thanks in everything, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (HCSB)

By His grace,

Faith

A Vision of Hope

Amanda Robinson

When plans get canceled and things keep piling on it’s easy to slip down into that pit. You know the one…depression. It’s slippery and deep. Once you’re down there Satan wants you to focus on the stresses that’s piling up around you because when you’re busy focusing on the stressors, then you’ve taken your eyes off the Savior.

But friend, can I share something that the Lord reminded me of this week?

It’s been awhile since I’ve shared. Admittedly, the physical pain gets so bad that it’s hard to focus on writing and sharing, but maybe it’s also because my eyes started to look within instead of up?

One day last week I had a really tough time…it was one of those times where you beg the Lord to take you because it’s just too much. I went to bed sobbing. Y’all…the Lord is so good…He gave me a dream. I’m sharing because I know that I’m not alone…no matter how often satan tries to peddle that lie, I’ve learned…he’s wrong. I’m not alone.

In the dream, I’m sitting alone in a dark muddy pit. I know it was muddy, though I couldn’t see, because I tried desperately to climb my way out…one, two, three times…each time was just as futile as before. The mud just sucked me right back down. I sat like a child, legs crossed, sobbing, & hopeless. But then appeared Jesus. I couldn’t see his face but I knew it was him. He’s my Shepherd, my Lord…I know it was Him. He held me. He just sat and held me. I woke up and while the pain was still there, so was the peace from such an intimate encounter with my Savior.

Later on that day I was praying for a precious friend and the Lord gave me a vision. I know it sounds crazy, but I tell you that the Lord IS able and faithful to communicate with us! We should ALWAYS test these dreams & visions against the Bible. If it contradicts God’s Word, then we can know it’s false and not of God. However, if it aligns with the Word of God we can KNOW that the vision is true and from Him! The vision was of Jesus carrying me on His back as He climbed out of that pit. Then of my friend on Jesus’ back as He brought her out of the pit as well.

Here’s the thing Jesus could have spoke and brought us out of that pit without getting down in there with us, but that’s not who Jesus is. He meets us in that pit and then we must cling tight to him every step of the way up so that we can look back and say – that was not me, that was all God.

If you are struggling to see out of the darkness, cry out to Jesus. He’ll be there.

In Christ’s redeeming love,

Faith, God, jesus

Social Media & Pithy Statements: Are they becoming our daily bread?

Amanda Robinson
Image by emaria. Licensed via Adobe Stock.

I know that I’m not the only one who loves to scroll through social media and see Bible verses or Hymn lyrics in pretty fonts on beautiful backgrounds. It’s such a refreshing change from the hate and division that has become the norm across social media land. One of my favorite songs says, “when I rise give me Jesus.” It’s the perfect pithy phrase that has been plastered on shirts, mugs, and homes across America. But did you know that it does not actually exist anywhere in the Bible? The songwriter did a wonderful job of taking God’s word and through proper exegesis pulled together a powerful summation of several different passages of God’s word. Does that make it wrong? No, certainly not. However, I wanted to share something that the Holy Spirit laid on my heart today. When we first wake up who or what are we turning to? Our phones or to Jesus? Have we traded pithy statements on beautiful backgrounds for actual time spent at the feet of Jesus in His word? Honestly…I’ve been guilty of that more times than I care to admit to y’all.

Does this mean we should quit sharing those gorgeously scripted Bible verses on varying floral backgrounds? No, by all means, SHARE the word of God – ALWAYS! The point is that these pictures should never replace time studying, meditating, and praying over God’s word. The former will lead to a shallow religion at best, the later will lead to a deep and richly satisfying relationship with Abba God.  

The Lord brought these verses to mind which prompted this article…

1 Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. 2 And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 And the tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread. 4 But he [Jesus] answered, “’It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” (Matthew 4:1-4)

Isn’t that just typical Satan, attacking when we are tired, hurting, lonely, hungry, etc.? Jesus made this statement to Satan after fasting in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights. Y’all. I get hangry* at the end of my intermittent fasting time so I’m pretty sure I’d have stabbed a fool [satan] after 40 days. Praise God that Jesus is Jesus and not me. Amen?! Amen. The Bible even makes it a point to say that Jesus was in fact hungry. For him to have not had a lick of food for FORTY days and nights, yet his response to Satan was to quote scripture…how very telling as to the enormity of daily feasting or meditating on God’s word!

I challenge you, dear friend, let us reach for our Bibles and not our phones in the mornings so that we can be prepared at all times.

By His grace,

*hangry = when one reaches a certain level of hunger that incites anger.

Faith

Standards

Amanda Robinson
“Tape measure wood” , by Christian, Standard license through Adobe Stock

I love a good DIY project. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve had space to tackle some larger projects. One of my main tools that I have handy is my trusty 25ft measuring tape. Now it’s nothing fancy, but it is reliable. How do I know that? Well because the company that makes this tool is solid, trustworthy. They have a gold standard, if you will, ensuring that each measuring tape is appropriately calibrated for accurate measuring. As I am sure you are aware, the measuring tape, while a small and seemingly insignificant tool, is vital for a project to succeed so much so that “measure twice, cut once” is the mantra in the construction world. I’m hoping to renovate our fireplace & create some built-ins soon. What would happen if I decided not to use my measuring tape while tackling that project? I can tell you with absolute certainty that it would fail. While eyeballing some measurements might be okay for my smaller DIYs, that would not be the case for such a massive project. Such is the case of trying to live our daily lives without first seeking wisdom in God’s word. We might be able to fake it for a while from the things we learned as kids in Sunday school, youth group, or even VBS; but over time those measurements might get jumbled up and fuzzy, unless we are daily going to the source – the ultimate measuring tape – God’s word.

Now imagine this, I’m getting ready to cut up a 2×4. I pull out my measuring tape and think…hmmm, nah, I’ll just use this scrap piece of wood even though it’s a little warped. It should be fine, right? No! Of course not. Any carpenter/diy-er worth his/her salt would laugh straight in my face. Why? Because the scrap piece of wood is not trustworthy. It has no set standard, its been shaped and warped by various experiences; therefore, any piece that I cut using that scrap wood as a measuring tool would most assuredly lead to more warped, uneven wood pieces.

Today, I am speaking to the folks who profess to be Christians – the ones who profess Jesus as Lord and Savior, not the ones who say they are Christians simply because they attend church, have been raised in church all their life, because (insert family member) was a pastor (or other ministry position), or because you came from the Bible Belt where there are churches lined up side-by-side down main street so the “Christian” ideology just kind of oozes into the culture of your heritage. For those who fall into any of aforementioned categories, please stop reading now and send me a private message, because I’d LOVE nothing more than to share the Gospel of Jesus with you. Seriously, no condemnation, just a conversation on how Jesus changed this broken sinner and made her whole.

If you are still reading, then I’m going to assume that you are a fellow brother/sister in Christ. Yay! That is awesome! What you are about to read will sound harsh, because the truth can sound that way when our hearts are so ensnared in sin. But, please, I ask that you read this in a tone of love.

If you profess Jesus as Lord, then your first and ONLY standard of what is right and wrong should be the Bible. Not social media. Not television/celebrities. Not your friends. And last but most importantly not least – Not your family.

The above statement sounds contradictory coming from me, one who is writing and sharing these truths, yet I will say to you what my husband and I tell our children, “Don’t take our word for it, look, see that it is here in God’s Word. It is God’s standard, not ours.”

2 Timothy 3:15-17 tells us…”And how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.  All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.”

  1. God’s word is divinely inspired.  
  2. God’s word is sacred.
  3. God’s word makes us wise for salvation through Jesus.
  4. God’s word is true.
  5. God’s word is sufficient.

God is holy and cannot contradict himself; therefore, His word is truth. Not a truth, rather THE truth. It is profitable or sufficient for teaching, reproof, correction, and training in righteousness. When we view God’s word in light of this revelation, then His word should become the ultimate measuring stick with which we measure everything. (1 John 4:1; Romans 12:2)

However, many Christians are opting to “do what feels right” and have begun to measure God’s word through the lens of pop culture or their own personal experiences which have been warped and marred by their own sin nature.

Jeremiah 17:9 clearly states, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick…”

Doing what feels right is a very slippery slope away from the true Gospel; however, what has me just as concerned are those who have been claiming the title of Christian for many, many years yet there has been no growth (Colossians 1:9-10; Galatians 5:22-23; 2 Peter 1:5-8).  The writer of Hebrews admonishes those believers in chapter 5 verses 11-14 who are yet babes still on milk, rather than enjoying the hearty feast of deep spiritual growth. Why is this so upsetting and scary? If the current generation of believers, who are supposed to be spiritually “mature”, are still but babes themselves, then how can we expect the next generation be strongly rooted in God’s word.

It’s the same with those scrap pieces of wood. If I were to use each new piece as a guide for the subsequent measurement, then with each new cut would be a more distorted standard of the original. Which would be in essence…worthless.

It bears a heavy weight, but must be asked…is God’s word the ultimate standard for your life? Are you daily in God’s word firmly rooting His wisdom in your heart and mind? Or are you allowing your words and actions be measured by a warped version of Christianity?

In Christ’s redeeming love,

Forgiveness, Kids

Tangles

Amanda Robinson
“…the Lord reminded me that just like those tangles, sin usually starts as something small, that most wouldn’t notice or think it’s a big deal. But as it’s left unbrushed it continues to build into something so grotesquely matted that when the time comes & God says ok, my child that’s enough…” ~ The Broken Smile

Today, God spoke to my heart through tangles. Sounds crazy, I know. But lean in and I’ll tell you how…

My lovely daughter has always had the most tender head known to man. The irony is not lost on me since I, myself am so hardheaded; however, when I was her age I, too, was extremely tender headed. My mama owned a beauty shop back in the day and I loathed…yes, loathed, having her brush my hair. It always ended in tears and frustration – sometimes from both of us. I would have sworn that my mama was not being as gentile with me, her own daughter, as she was with her customers. And truth be told…I think I was right. Just kidding, Wanda Sue. 

Fast forward to present day. We have had numerous discussions with L about the importance of taking care of our hair, body, etc. Mainly because proper hygiene is important, but more so because we believe it is important to be good stewards with what the Lord has given us. There have been many times that she has been reminded to brush her hair before we go somewhere only to see her come bounding out of the house with a giant wad of matted hair in the back (y’all the kid is a crazy sleeper!) Unfortunately, we have had to dole out consequences for not obeying us, such is the nature of parenting.

This last week we talked about our morning routines and how sometimes we do forget to do thing that need to be done; however, if we are consistently “forgetting” then it has become a heart issue of disobedience rather than accidental forgetfulness. So, for the last few days I have reminded her to brush her hair then let her go about her merry way without checking it.

Today was library day with her Daddy. It’s a special weekly date that’s just for the two of them. She loves it. As she hurried past me, I said, “No, ma’am. Go brush your hair.” She pulls the brush through 5 times, lays it down thinking she has finished. At which point I said, “I’m sorry, but Mommy will have to get those out.” She immediately starts crying.

I prayed that the Lord would give me wisdom in that moment. That I wouldn’t give in to the frustration and anger that have welled up in me so many times because my child had yet again not obeyed a simple instruction.

As I sat brushing her hair section by section, trying my best to not cause her more pain than necessary, the Lord reminded me that just like those tangles, sin usually starts as something small, that most wouldn’t notice or think it’s a big deal. But as it’s left unbrushed it continues to build into something so grotesquely matted that when the time comes & God says ok, my child that’s enough…then the consequences involved in removing that sin are going to be so much more painful than if we had turned it over to Him sooner.

And as I started to share this with Laylah she stopped crying and apologized for not obeying, then proceeded to have a look of hope on her sweet face & asked, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven cause there won’t be any tangles there, right Mama?” That’s exactly right, baby girl. There will be no more tears, no pain…and no tangles. Amen.

But the story does not stop there, friends. See just like L, I needed this reminder more than anyone. As I was removing that speck from my child’s eye, there was a giant log in mine.

In Matthew 7:5, Jesus had a specific title for someone like me. “You hypocrite” – ouch. Shew, he surely didn’t pull any punches with that! See y’all, here’s the thing…Jesus didn’t come to save the sinless, but the sinner. Which (spoiler alert) everyone is a sinner; therefore, a hypocrite. But y’all, that is GREAT NEWS because that means that there is nothing that is too big or too small that He won’t forgive! And if I can get real, real here – it is man that puts levels on sin. To a holy & just God it is all the same sin. Sin that He cannot look upon. Sin that breaks that fellowship with Him. Just like it grieved my heart to see my child hurt today…it grieves His heart infinitely more to see His precious creation continue in sin.

That’s been a grace-filled truth and much needed comfort for my heart today. For those who did not know me pre-seminary, I was always working out & in pretty good shape. Over time, however, I gave up taking care of the body that God gave me. I started to eat all the unhealthy foods in gluttonous proportions. Brace yourself I am throwing some brutal honesty out there – I have been living in the sin of gluttony. It’s been going on for quite some time and the effects on my body are both physically & mentally painful.

As the Holy Spirt convicted me of my sin, He reminded me that God’s forgiveness and grace hadn’t stopped. That YES, I have been/am a hypocrite, but I have not gone beyond the arm of forgiveness of my Savior.

I share this deeply ashamed; yet, in my weakness I will boast of the greatness of my Savior. Though my sin has been festering for quite some time & the road to reversing the consequences will be long and painful, I stand confident in 1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us & cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

What do you need to confess to the Lord today? Whatever it may be, know that Jesus loves you & WANTS to forgive you.

By His grace,

The Hypocrite Pastor’s Wife

Faith, Family, Marriage

Perception vs Reality: Behind The Broken Smile

Amanda Robinson

I beg your patience as this will be lengthy, but I believe it to be worth the read. This is my first post in almost 2 years. Every time I sat down to write, there was this wall. I couldn’t see past it and was ashamed to admit it so I let the blog go unattended.

Ya’ll, I’m about to get vulnerable. Please, be kind. And if you would pray for me as I can assure you I am trying not to have a small (ok, gigantic!) panic attack as I type knowing I’m publishing this for others to read. Letting people in has always been a struggle of mine, but my desire above all is to glorify the Lord especially in my weakness.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

These last several years have been nothing short of painful torment from migraines to pain that consumes every inch of my body and as of late degenerative arthritis within my spine. If I’m being fully transparent these last few months have been hell on this earth. My body is breaking down, betraying my once vibrant and active self. You might not know it if you see me because I try to hide it with a smile. Not a fake smile, but one that was forged through the darkest of times and came out victorious through Christ.

It began in college after almost 2 decades of non-stop sports. Most weekends consisted of at least a 3 game series maybe more if it was a tournament. Those Sunday mornings I would awaken to what I could only describe as feeling like being hit by a Peterbilt. Even making it to the restroom was a feat which consisted of me hobbling like a 90+ year old in desperate need of a cane. Over time, I came to resent that even in my prime healthy state my body screamed almost constantly with pain. Eventually I gave in. I quit. I quit trying to eat healthy. I quit working out. The depression was dragging me under like a rip tide. And I quit caring.

Consequences of my own sinful gluttony have compounded the horrible genetics that plagues my family. Today the physical pain makes it nearly impossible to function as the wife and mother my family need & deserve. My mind is often so clouded by the pain, that I’ve shut myself off from real face-to-face interactions as its become increasingly harder to form coherent thoughts and have genuine connections with others. Not to mention the internal battle with knowing the person folks see – the obese me – is not who I was or want to be. The shame. It’s massive. It’s always in my mind. There is never a moment where I’m not so self-aware of the size of my body and how it reflects on me, my family, my husband, and my Lord. From this pain has come an even deeper desire to see Jesus…sooner than what He’s planned. Full stop. Yes, yes those thoughts invaded in the midst of agonizing, ever increasing pain. They have screamed loud…and persistent.

No one sees the struggle. It’s invisible, but the pain is ever present.

As I lay my heart open, bare and raw, for the public to see, I know that some will inevitably say, “Well, its your fault. You make the choice of what goes into your body.” “Just suck it up and quit throwing a pity party. You don’t like how things are, then get up and make some changes!” I get it. You have no clue about the depths of depression and severe chronic pain. I don’t blame you for your ignorance. I, too, ashamedly reacted to others without compassion before. Now I know.

If you are still with me, please continue reading. Allow me to share what the Lord has taught me about depression and thankfulness.

God has blessed me abundantly, but even if He hadn’t, if Jesus was all I had…it would be more than I deserve. Hear me. Jesus is my ALL, my everything. He is who I cling to in the dark when I’m writhing in pain unable to sleep. He is my only source of joy in the midst of the sorrow and what sustains me when Satan tempts me to relieve myself of this earthly pain. Jesus is the reason why this broken mess of a woman smiles.

Jesus is the reason why this broken mess of a woman smiles.

The Broken Smile

This is not to say that medicine isn’t a biblical option, because I very much believe that it is. Just as the Lord saw fit to inspire doctors with treatments for cancer and other diseases, I believe that in the right context medicine for depression is valid and needed. However, I believe that first we must take a long, hard look at our hearts. We must ask ourselves the hard questions. How is my walk with Jesus? Am I daily spending time in the Word? Have I sought out biblical counseling? If you’ve done all of those things, but still the depression deepens – talk to your doctor. One of the best decisions I made next to accepting Jesus was recognizing that I needed help. For years I lived in shame that it made me “less than” as a Christian, but after seeking out some solid biblical counseling I have realized that my weaknesses confirm my need for a savior. In Christ I will boast, though He may never remove this “thorn in my flesh”1, I know that it is for my good and His glory.

Friend, if you are reading this and you do not have a relationship with Jesus, I would strongly encourage you to start there. The only remedy for any of our brokenness is Jesus. Please, reach out to me or another believer that you trust.

In Christ’s redeeming love,

1 2 Corinthians 12:7

Faith

Transparent MOMent

Amanda Robinson

We (the hubs and I) have prayed and longed for a big family for years…don’t get sidetracked by numbers folks (I know some of you will ask and it’s just none ya business). It was something we discussed while we dated and were on the same page about. Then came marriage and real life. We had Monkey…baby #1, the eldest – our strong-willed sweet southern belle! Whew, boy, the Lord definitely used her to show me many, many things!

  1. I do NOT know everything (shocker, right?!) 😉😜
  2. I was a very selfish person
  3. All my sins came wrapped in a tiny human version of me (so very scary…and sad)
  4. New mamas need grace – extra even because they are scared…and scared folks say and do some crazy stuff!
  5. If you go through life always comparing yourself to other mothers, then Satan is gonna steal your joy faster than my 15 month old can shove a bug in his mouth (lightening speed, y’all, lightening).

There were many other lessons learned over the next few years. Not the least of which was that we, humans, have no control over the conception of life. Sure, doctors have gotten pretty good at helping couples with infertility. Then there are those blessed women who can “get pregnant by just my husband looking at me.” I get it. I was naïve (Hmm, prideful would be the better term), too. But the reality is there is absolutely no life that comes into this world that is not ordained by the God of All creation. It’s true. But that’s a post for another time! I’ve written before about how it took us 3 years of trying before we were able to getting pregnant with The Booge (#2). But what I didn’t tell you was that the two years prior to that while being a new mama to a little blonde spit-fire, I had arrogantly decided in my heart when, if ever again, I would have another baby.   *Oh, prideful, naïve Amanda*

I went through a lot those first two years and I didn’t always handle it in a way that honored my Savior. God did a lot of refining, sanding if you will, which made me realize just how selfish I was. To be a parent…a good one…selfishness has no place in the equation. Year 3, we had decided it was time to try for kiddo #2! Arrogantly, I assumed that we wouldn’t have any trouble getting pregnant because – well, it only took like 2 months with #1; therefore, it couldn’t possibly take long for any subsequent children. Wrong! Remember how we talked about God being the One who ordains all life on Earth?? Yeah. He does. And I pretty much spent the latter half of year 3 & the entirety of year 4 questioning God and pleading with him for another baby.

Thoughts like – “I must be the most horrible mom to Monkey and that’s why God won’t give us another kid”, “Why, God, would You give that unwed teen a baby when she does not want it and wants to kill it?!” Oooo, that last one y’all…it hurt. Ripped-my-heart-out bad. Not only did that happen, but I also had an older lady confess to an abortion during her early 20s and sought my counsel. Oh, my heart broke. But you know what God was teaching me? His timing is perfect. His plan is greater than I could ever imagine…even in the bad, He is still good. He also taught me a great deal about being sensitive to those around me because we don’t know their stories. And the thing I thought was the hardest turned out to be the greatest lesson…looking into the face of a broken woman with years of guilt and shame over killing her precious baby and being able to confidently tell her – God can and will forgive you, if you ask Him. And at the same time knowing that His forgiveness of her sins meant that He forgives me and that His blessings were not contingent on my goodness or behavior, but in spite of. Knowing that if He so chose to, He would grant us more children in His time. A month later we found out about The Booge (#2)! Praise the Lord!

Truthfully, at that point we assumed that Boogie would be our last. Not because we didn’t want more (we still wanted a big family) but we were content with God answering our prayer and assumed that was that. Fast forward and it’s Christmas time! Monkey was a week shy of turning 6 years old, The Booge was a week shy of turning 8 months old and on Christmas Eve we found out that we were blessed with baby #3! Y’all, we laughed so hard! We laughed at the goodness of God and how in our simple human view we had limited Him.

After all this rambling, I’m getting to the transparent part. So, yeah, God answered our original prayer to have a big family and we were thrilled! Until I wasn’t. Wait what?! How dare she say that?! After all that you have been through, Amanda?! After all that you have seen friends suffer through with infertility, death of their precious children – how could you not possibly be super excited the entire time?! Well, because I’m a sinner and I let Satan sneak in some pretty crummy thoughts through other folks. Like…

“Y’all are still in seminary. Y’all live in a tiny apartment…how in the world are y’all going to fit a 3rd kid in there??” “Y’all are gonna have to get a new car because the Xterra can’t fit 3 car seats. How are y’all gonna afford that?” The best one came after sharing my struggle with a family member about The Booge not being the best sleeper. Her response was “Well, (scoff) if you think it’s hard now, how do you think it’s going to be with 3?” “Oh you’re going to have your hands full.” *Various other things that chipped away at the goodness of God’s gift and placed tons of doubt and insecurities into my heart and mind.

Why am I sharing this? Because it is important for you to understand that folks in ministry struggle just like everyone else. We need people who will reinforce God’s truth! The truth that God gave us this blessing and He will be faithful to provide! Y’all here is a major truth bomb – ready? Each child is a blessing from the Lord regardless of whether he/she was planned or not. Most importantly we MUST take every thought, comment, image that we see captive and measure it according to God’s standard – His Word! We cannot let the world be the measuring stick with which we gauge God’s truth…it must be the other way around. What happens when we don’t take those lies captive? When we let them creep in and instead of immediately kicking them out and telling Satan to “shut it & get behind me because my God is able!” Well, it leads to a troubled heart, unsettled mind and fear…loads of fear.

For me it’s been the last week or so, I have been so grateful for the extra help around here (my mother-in-love is a jewel!), but Satan started to put that doubt in my mind of – “well, Amanda, you’ve been struggling with keeping up with everything and baby 3 hasn’t even arrived, yet! You will definitely fail once baby arrives…there’s no way y’all are gonna survive!” And last night during some heavier contractions, I admitted it…I am scared about having a third kid. 👀😳 There I said it. (Just an FYI if you comment on this have nothing supportive to add, but only snark or criticism I will delete it…then you. Why? Because you are being a tool for Satan and I will not allow that. K?)

A wise mentor and friend said… “Baby R has been sent to a child of God by God, who makes no mistakes & He loves you both…” Let that sink in. God makes no mistakes. He chose me to be Monkey, The Booge and Baby R’s mama…not you, me…just plain me and that’s enough. Will we have a transition period? You betcha! Will there be tears…LOL most likely! Will we survive and thrive – definitely. Why? Because my God is able! 😍🙌

“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” – 2 Corinthians 9:8