Tag: Transparent

Faith

A Vision of Hope

Amanda Robinson

When plans get canceled and things keep piling on it’s easy to slip down into that pit. You know the one…depression. It’s slippery and deep. Once you’re down there Satan wants you to focus on the stresses that’s piling up around you because when you’re busy focusing on the stressors, then you’ve taken your eyes off the Savior.

But friend, can I share something that the Lord reminded me of this week?

It’s been awhile since I’ve shared. Admittedly, the physical pain gets so bad that it’s hard to focus on writing and sharing, but maybe it’s also because my eyes started to look within instead of up?

One day last week I had a really tough time…it was one of those times where you beg the Lord to take you because it’s just too much. I went to bed sobbing. Y’all…the Lord is so good…He gave me a dream. I’m sharing because I know that I’m not alone…no matter how often satan tries to peddle that lie, I’ve learned…he’s wrong. I’m not alone.

In the dream, I’m sitting alone in a dark muddy pit. I know it was muddy, though I couldn’t see, because I tried desperately to climb my way out…one, two, three times…each time was just as futile as before. The mud just sucked me right back down. I sat like a child, legs crossed, sobbing, & hopeless. But then appeared Jesus. I couldn’t see his face but I knew it was him. He’s my Shepherd, my Lord…I know it was Him. He held me. He just sat and held me. I woke up and while the pain was still there, so was the peace from such an intimate encounter with my Savior.

Later on that day I was praying for a precious friend and the Lord gave me a vision. I know it sounds crazy, but I tell you that the Lord IS able and faithful to communicate with us! We should ALWAYS test these dreams & visions against the Bible. If it contradicts God’s Word, then we can know it’s false and not of God. However, if it aligns with the Word of God we can KNOW that the vision is true and from Him! The vision was of Jesus carrying me on His back as He climbed out of that pit. Then of my friend on Jesus’ back as He brought her out of the pit as well.

Here’s the thing Jesus could have spoke and brought us out of that pit without getting down in there with us, but that’s not who Jesus is. He meets us in that pit and then we must cling tight to him every step of the way up so that we can look back and say – that was not me, that was all God.

If you are struggling to see out of the darkness, cry out to Jesus. He’ll be there.

In Christ’s redeeming love,

Faith, Family, Marriage

Perception vs Reality: Behind The Broken Smile

Amanda Robinson

I beg your patience as this will be lengthy, but I believe it to be worth the read. This is my first post in almost 2 years. Every time I sat down to write, there was this wall. I couldn’t see past it and was ashamed to admit it so I let the blog go unattended.

Ya’ll, I’m about to get vulnerable. Please, be kind. And if you would pray for me as I can assure you I am trying not to have a small (ok, gigantic!) panic attack as I type knowing I’m publishing this for others to read. Letting people in has always been a struggle of mine, but my desire above all is to glorify the Lord especially in my weakness.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

These last several years have been nothing short of painful torment from migraines to pain that consumes every inch of my body and as of late degenerative arthritis within my spine. If I’m being fully transparent these last few months have been hell on this earth. My body is breaking down, betraying my once vibrant and active self. You might not know it if you see me because I try to hide it with a smile. Not a fake smile, but one that was forged through the darkest of times and came out victorious through Christ.

It began in college after almost 2 decades of non-stop sports. Most weekends consisted of at least a 3 game series maybe more if it was a tournament. Those Sunday mornings I would awaken to what I could only describe as feeling like being hit by a Peterbilt. Even making it to the restroom was a feat which consisted of me hobbling like a 90+ year old in desperate need of a cane. Over time, I came to resent that even in my prime healthy state my body screamed almost constantly with pain. Eventually I gave in. I quit. I quit trying to eat healthy. I quit working out. The depression was dragging me under like a rip tide. And I quit caring.

Consequences of my own sinful gluttony have compounded the horrible genetics that plagues my family. Today the physical pain makes it nearly impossible to function as the wife and mother my family need & deserve. My mind is often so clouded by the pain, that I’ve shut myself off from real face-to-face interactions as its become increasingly harder to form coherent thoughts and have genuine connections with others. Not to mention the internal battle with knowing the person folks see – the obese me – is not who I was or want to be. The shame. It’s massive. It’s always in my mind. There is never a moment where I’m not so self-aware of the size of my body and how it reflects on me, my family, my husband, and my Lord. From this pain has come an even deeper desire to see Jesus…sooner than what He’s planned. Full stop. Yes, yes those thoughts invaded in the midst of agonizing, ever increasing pain. They have screamed loud…and persistent.

No one sees the struggle. It’s invisible, but the pain is ever present.

As I lay my heart open, bare and raw, for the public to see, I know that some will inevitably say, “Well, its your fault. You make the choice of what goes into your body.” “Just suck it up and quit throwing a pity party. You don’t like how things are, then get up and make some changes!” I get it. You have no clue about the depths of depression and severe chronic pain. I don’t blame you for your ignorance. I, too, ashamedly reacted to others without compassion before. Now I know.

If you are still with me, please continue reading. Allow me to share what the Lord has taught me about depression and thankfulness.

God has blessed me abundantly, but even if He hadn’t, if Jesus was all I had…it would be more than I deserve. Hear me. Jesus is my ALL, my everything. He is who I cling to in the dark when I’m writhing in pain unable to sleep. He is my only source of joy in the midst of the sorrow and what sustains me when Satan tempts me to relieve myself of this earthly pain. Jesus is the reason why this broken mess of a woman smiles.

Jesus is the reason why this broken mess of a woman smiles.

The Broken Smile

This is not to say that medicine isn’t a biblical option, because I very much believe that it is. Just as the Lord saw fit to inspire doctors with treatments for cancer and other diseases, I believe that in the right context medicine for depression is valid and needed. However, I believe that first we must take a long, hard look at our hearts. We must ask ourselves the hard questions. How is my walk with Jesus? Am I daily spending time in the Word? Have I sought out biblical counseling? If you’ve done all of those things, but still the depression deepens – talk to your doctor. One of the best decisions I made next to accepting Jesus was recognizing that I needed help. For years I lived in shame that it made me “less than” as a Christian, but after seeking out some solid biblical counseling I have realized that my weaknesses confirm my need for a savior. In Christ I will boast, though He may never remove this “thorn in my flesh”1, I know that it is for my good and His glory.

Friend, if you are reading this and you do not have a relationship with Jesus, I would strongly encourage you to start there. The only remedy for any of our brokenness is Jesus. Please, reach out to me or another believer that you trust.

In Christ’s redeeming love,

1 2 Corinthians 12:7

Faith

Transparent MOMent

Amanda Robinson

We (the hubs and I) have prayed and longed for a big family for years…don’t get sidetracked by numbers folks (I know some of you will ask and it’s just none ya business). It was something we discussed while we dated and were on the same page about. Then came marriage and real life. We had Monkey…baby #1, the eldest – our strong-willed sweet southern belle! Whew, boy, the Lord definitely used her to show me many, many things!

  1. I do NOT know everything (shocker, right?!) 😉😜
  2. I was a very selfish person
  3. All my sins came wrapped in a tiny human version of me (so very scary…and sad)
  4. New mamas need grace – extra even because they are scared…and scared folks say and do some crazy stuff!
  5. If you go through life always comparing yourself to other mothers, then Satan is gonna steal your joy faster than my 15 month old can shove a bug in his mouth (lightening speed, y’all, lightening).

There were many other lessons learned over the next few years. Not the least of which was that we, humans, have no control over the conception of life. Sure, doctors have gotten pretty good at helping couples with infertility. Then there are those blessed women who can “get pregnant by just my husband looking at me.” I get it. I was naïve (Hmm, prideful would be the better term), too. But the reality is there is absolutely no life that comes into this world that is not ordained by the God of All creation. It’s true. But that’s a post for another time! I’ve written before about how it took us 3 years of trying before we were able to getting pregnant with The Booge (#2). But what I didn’t tell you was that the two years prior to that while being a new mama to a little blonde spit-fire, I had arrogantly decided in my heart when, if ever again, I would have another baby.   *Oh, prideful, naïve Amanda*

I went through a lot those first two years and I didn’t always handle it in a way that honored my Savior. God did a lot of refining, sanding if you will, which made me realize just how selfish I was. To be a parent…a good one…selfishness has no place in the equation. Year 3, we had decided it was time to try for kiddo #2! Arrogantly, I assumed that we wouldn’t have any trouble getting pregnant because – well, it only took like 2 months with #1; therefore, it couldn’t possibly take long for any subsequent children. Wrong! Remember how we talked about God being the One who ordains all life on Earth?? Yeah. He does. And I pretty much spent the latter half of year 3 & the entirety of year 4 questioning God and pleading with him for another baby.

Thoughts like – “I must be the most horrible mom to Monkey and that’s why God won’t give us another kid”, “Why, God, would You give that unwed teen a baby when she does not want it and wants to kill it?!” Oooo, that last one y’all…it hurt. Ripped-my-heart-out bad. Not only did that happen, but I also had an older lady confess to an abortion during her early 20s and sought my counsel. Oh, my heart broke. But you know what God was teaching me? His timing is perfect. His plan is greater than I could ever imagine…even in the bad, He is still good. He also taught me a great deal about being sensitive to those around me because we don’t know their stories. And the thing I thought was the hardest turned out to be the greatest lesson…looking into the face of a broken woman with years of guilt and shame over killing her precious baby and being able to confidently tell her – God can and will forgive you, if you ask Him. And at the same time knowing that His forgiveness of her sins meant that He forgives me and that His blessings were not contingent on my goodness or behavior, but in spite of. Knowing that if He so chose to, He would grant us more children in His time. A month later we found out about The Booge (#2)! Praise the Lord!

Truthfully, at that point we assumed that Boogie would be our last. Not because we didn’t want more (we still wanted a big family) but we were content with God answering our prayer and assumed that was that. Fast forward and it’s Christmas time! Monkey was a week shy of turning 6 years old, The Booge was a week shy of turning 8 months old and on Christmas Eve we found out that we were blessed with baby #3! Y’all, we laughed so hard! We laughed at the goodness of God and how in our simple human view we had limited Him.

After all this rambling, I’m getting to the transparent part. So, yeah, God answered our original prayer to have a big family and we were thrilled! Until I wasn’t. Wait what?! How dare she say that?! After all that you have been through, Amanda?! After all that you have seen friends suffer through with infertility, death of their precious children – how could you not possibly be super excited the entire time?! Well, because I’m a sinner and I let Satan sneak in some pretty crummy thoughts through other folks. Like…

“Y’all are still in seminary. Y’all live in a tiny apartment…how in the world are y’all going to fit a 3rd kid in there??” “Y’all are gonna have to get a new car because the Xterra can’t fit 3 car seats. How are y’all gonna afford that?” The best one came after sharing my struggle with a family member about The Booge not being the best sleeper. Her response was “Well, (scoff) if you think it’s hard now, how do you think it’s going to be with 3?” “Oh you’re going to have your hands full.” *Various other things that chipped away at the goodness of God’s gift and placed tons of doubt and insecurities into my heart and mind.

Why am I sharing this? Because it is important for you to understand that folks in ministry struggle just like everyone else. We need people who will reinforce God’s truth! The truth that God gave us this blessing and He will be faithful to provide! Y’all here is a major truth bomb – ready? Each child is a blessing from the Lord regardless of whether he/she was planned or not. Most importantly we MUST take every thought, comment, image that we see captive and measure it according to God’s standard – His Word! We cannot let the world be the measuring stick with which we gauge God’s truth…it must be the other way around. What happens when we don’t take those lies captive? When we let them creep in and instead of immediately kicking them out and telling Satan to “shut it & get behind me because my God is able!” Well, it leads to a troubled heart, unsettled mind and fear…loads of fear.

For me it’s been the last week or so, I have been so grateful for the extra help around here (my mother-in-love is a jewel!), but Satan started to put that doubt in my mind of – “well, Amanda, you’ve been struggling with keeping up with everything and baby 3 hasn’t even arrived, yet! You will definitely fail once baby arrives…there’s no way y’all are gonna survive!” And last night during some heavier contractions, I admitted it…I am scared about having a third kid. 👀😳 There I said it. (Just an FYI if you comment on this have nothing supportive to add, but only snark or criticism I will delete it…then you. Why? Because you are being a tool for Satan and I will not allow that. K?)

A wise mentor and friend said… “Baby R has been sent to a child of God by God, who makes no mistakes & He loves you both…” Let that sink in. God makes no mistakes. He chose me to be Monkey, The Booge and Baby R’s mama…not you, me…just plain me and that’s enough. Will we have a transition period? You betcha! Will there be tears…LOL most likely! Will we survive and thrive – definitely. Why? Because my God is able! 😍🙌

“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” – 2 Corinthians 9:8